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The
Farrell Forum
by Jim Farrell
Santa’s Sneak
Preview for Kingston
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(December 19, 2003)
Imagine my surprise the other night when the phone rang at home and
“North Pole/Corporate Headquarters” flashed on my caller ID.
“Hello?” I asked, a bit tentatively, wondering if this was some sort of joke.
“Farrell? Is that you? You write that column in the local paper, don’t you?”
“Yes, I do. And who this is please?”
“I think you already figured it out. You do have caller ID, don’t you?”
”Are you really Mr. Claus himself?” I asked, believing that if I was polite,
maybe The Jolly Fat Man would provide a sneak preview of some Christmas gifts he
has in store for our town.
“You know I am, and yes, I called to give you the inside scoop on Christmas
gifts for this year. I’m a busy man and have only a few minutes, so I’ll mention
a few specific gifts and if you have a question at the end, I’ll answer it. So
let’s get going here.”
I heard some shuffling of papers, and then he started. “OK, here’s the first
gift. This one is for someone named Sharon Davis, who lives in your town.” He
paused, and then he added, “Wow, this is a highly unusual situation, isn’t it?
It’s an apology from the town for trying to steal her land and a certificate of
title.” He waited a second, and then added, “I thought that kind of stuff went
out with squatters’ rights in the 1800s. What’s wrong with you people anyway?”
”You don’t really have enough time for me to get into all of that,” I offered.
”Never mind,” he said. “But this reminds me – I have to add some lumps of coal
to a few stockings in town over this issue.” He continued, “OK, I’m a busy man,
so let’s keep this rolling along. Now, you have two people who represent your
town in the State House – Tom O’Brien and Terry Murray. My elves tell me that
they have been very, very good all year, so here’s my gift for them – easy
re-elections for both in 2004.”
”That’s great news, Santa,” I said. “Without question, they both deserve it. Do
you want to give me some sort of percentages here so that I can share this with
them? Are we talking 70%-30% wins here, or what?”
”I’m a gift-giver, not a political prognosticator,” he replied – a bit sharply,
I thought. He continued, “Here’s another one. There’s a guy named Joe Palombo
who lives in Kingston. We have a special gift for him, but he won’t be able to
redeem it until September. It’s a victory in his primary race for Plymouth
County Sheriff.”
“I’m sure he’ll be pleased to read this,” I said. “He’s been out there
campaigning very hard for this position.”
“Save it for the column, willya?” he interrupted. “Oh yeah, here’s another one.
“Your Board of Selectmen in town will receive a very special gift in January – a
new voice and a new member. Strange, there’s no notation from the Elves on this
as to whether they’ve been naughty or nice this past year.”
”Hey, every newspaper has talked about an election for a new Selectman,” I said.
“How about a real gift? Why don’t you just tell us who will win?”
”And take the fun out of the campaign and the election? Not on your life,” he
chuckled. “Oh, here’s another one – it’s for your town’s Water Department.” He
shuffled a few more papers, then said, “This is a book entitled, “Why DPWs are
bad and how to avoid Becoming Part of One.”
He shuffled some more papers. “Here’s a gift for the entire town of Kingston.
CBS and ABC will soon air additional specials on Michael Jackson and all his
troubles.”
“And exactly how is that a gift for Kingston?” I asked.
“It makes your town’s troubles seem tame by comparison,” he said. “Use your
imagination, will you? People paying attention to him aren’t paying attention to
Kingston. I thought you said you were a journalist.”
He waited a minute and asked, “Anything on your town’s ‘wish list’ that you’d
like me to consider?”
”Well, I wouldn’t mind seeing our taxes drop some, and our highways be a little
less congested,” I told him. “Anything in your bag of gifts that will help us
there?”
He chuckled, “Nice try. I’m a gift-giver, not a magician. You’re on your own
with that one.”
He paused for a second, then said, “Wait a minute – there’s another call coming
in from your town that I have to take – somebody requesting an Earth Removal
permit for Christmas. Gotta go. So just tell everyone to behave this year and
maybe next year my gifts will be even more spectacular.”
He added, “By the way, tell everyone to go easy on the milk and cookies this
year. I didn’t get to the gym as much as I should have, and I’m on the Atkins
Diet.” |
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