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(January 15, 2004)
It’s January. Who cares about keeping New Year’s
Resolutions? After weeks of struggling with the Atkins Diet to achieve a svelte
figure (a goal I am nowhere near reaching, let me add), I have concluded that
New Year’s Resolutions and other quests for self-improvement are very overrated.
I have instead put my time to better use, spending the early days of January
consulting with tea leaf readers, paranormals, unemployed psychics, faith
healers and snake-oil salespeople in order that I might see the future and tell
you what the new year will hold for our town. With their input, and without
further delay, here’s a look at 2004, Kingston-style. And remember, you read it
here first. January: Pop music
star Michael Jackson stuns the town, the state and the nation with the
announcement that he has purchased a 275-acre parcel of land in Kingston off
Route 80 and plans to construct “Neverland East.” Jackson says that all the
press he has read about Kingston recently has convinced him that this is a town
where he can feel “totally accepted.” The move meets with swift opposition from
the Planning Board, whose members argue that there is no town bylaw allowing for
the construction of amusement parks in that section of town – or any other
section, should he purchase more real estate. Jackson’s attorneys immediately
begin drafting an article for the annual town meeting that will allow this
zoning change.
Anticipating a negative reaction from
residents, Jackson attempts to sweeten the deal by offering to build the town a
set of ballfields. One planning board member tells Jackson’s attorneys, “We
already have ballfields. Tell your client to read the newspapers.”
Attempts by town officials to include Jackson
as a suspect in the investigation of who torched the barn on Pottle Street at
the site of the current ballfields are dismissed as diversionary tactics.
February: Problems mount at the Silver
Lake Regional School District, as the town of Pembroke is forced to re-apply for
membership in the district. Although Pembroke was well on its way to
independence from the other three towns, prominent researchers turned up
evidence that the Learning Lane (Pembroke) school is built upon an ancient
burial ground of Native Americans. Pembroke officials reluctantly agree that
they must vacate the building and negotiations begin to allow Pembroke students
to return to the Kingston Campus. A move by the SL committee chair to deny
returning Pembroke students their diplomas “because they really annoyed me with
this move” was voted down by the rest of the committee.
A Superior Court Judge rules in favor of the
Davis family, saying that the Pottle Street land upon which their barn sat in
fact belongs to the Davis family and not the town. He orders the town to pay all
court costs in the case, and sentences each selectman who voted to continue the
lawsuit to write “I will never waste taxpayers’ money again” 500 times.
John Kerry and Howard Dean each pay visits to
Kingston in anticipation of the March Presidential primary. They cross paths
outside the Independence Mall; words are exchanged, and police are dispatched to
break up the fist fight that ensues. Although Kerry is able to win the fist
fight, he loses the more important primary battle.
March: In news that surprises the town
and the state, Rocky Nook favorite son Mauro Mazzilli wins the Democratic
Presidential Primary in Kingston after launching a massive, last-minute write-in
campaign. Emboldened by this success, he immediately challenges Howard Dean to a
series of one-on-one debates and launches a national Presidential campaign. In a
hastily called press conference, he says that if he is successful elsewhere and
wins the nomination, he will ask Selectman Chairman Olly DeMacedo to be his
running mate. Later, when learning that DeMacedo is a Republican, he withdraws
the offer.
April: It’s showtime! The trial of one
of Kingston’s public officials charged in a sex scandal gets underway. The event
attracts the usual media coverage, including the Globe, Herald, Wall Street
Journal, USA Today, CNN, the O’Reilly Factor and Radio Free Europe, along with
local newspapers, cable and radio.
The trial takes a shocking turn when the
defense attorney claims that it was not his client who actually committed the
crime, but rather a “body double.” The attorney suggests that this “double”
traveled to Earth from a nearby solar system and that the original Kingston
official is being held captive on that distant planet. The Board of Selectmen
immediately introduce a Town Meeting Warrant article asking voters for a
Proposition 2 ½ override, for the purpose of building a starship to travel to
that solar system and retrieve the kidnapped town official.
The prosecution mounts a massive rebuttal,
calling upon two expert witnesses: (1) Carl Sagan’s great-granddaughter’s next
door neighbor and (2) someone who once watched every original Star Trek episode
ten times, and the defense strategy crumbles.
Selectmen withdraw their override article.
May: At the Annual Town Meeting, the
move to rezone a piece of land off Route 80 for “amusement parks” is defeated.
June: Declaring that Kingston is one of
the richest sources for “bad and bizarre news,” Fox TV and Bill O’Reilly open an
office on Summer Street. O’Reilly’s presence on Summer Street is challenged by
town environmental activists, who claim that his “noise pollution” violates
certain provisions of the town bylaws. Their challenge is ruled out of order.
Kingston’s Rocky Nook beach finally opens after
nearly two years. Signs proclaim “use at your own risk.” Subsequent shark
scares, widely publicized throughout town, are dismissed by cynics as a
diversionary tactic to draw attention away from how long the beach was closed.
July: Massport announces plans to
construct a new international airport in Kingston. The airport, which will be
twice the size of Logan, will be located on the site of Camp NeKon in the
southern end of town. Selectmen herald this as a great advance for Kingston,
noting that the airport will be the largest single taxpayer in the community.
One town official notes that they do not anticipate any problems with local
neighborhood impact, adding, “NeKon doesn’t have a neighborhood. It might as
well be in the Ozarks and who the hell cares what happens out there.”
As a way of sweetening the deal, Massport
offers to build the town a series of ballfields for the children, prompting one
Planning Board official to ask, “Don’t these guys ever read the newspapers?”
Political infighting ensues over whether to
simply name it Kingston International Airport, or instead to name it after an
individual in Kingston – and how to determine whose name it should carry.
Sensing that this may be a strategy to help
close a budget gap, selectmen form a committee to study the issue of how to name
such town landmarks as ballfields, airports, highways, bridges and buildings.
Selectmen direct the committee to bring back specific recommendations for the
town before the end of the year, which would include a “name goes to the highest
bidder” provision.
Michael Jackson offers to help with the costs
of constructing the airport if he gets permission to build Neverland.
Local environmentalists threaten to block the
airport’s construction, promising to provide a detailed list of reasons why at a
later date.
August: Kingston’s Old Home Days
festivities are resumed. Reports of Elvis sightings are everywhere. Other
dignitaries reported seen at the event include Myles Standish, Amelia Earhart,
Whitey Bulger, and former Board of Health member Larry Slot. The number of
“sightings” reported prompts one town official to ask aloud “What’s wrong with
people in Kingston? It must be something in the liquor.”
September: Joe Palombo wins his primary
race for Plymouth County Sheriff.
October: A Special Town Meeting is
called for a Proposition 2 ½ override to pay the $2.1 million in legal fees
accrued by the town in challenging the ownership of the Davis property.
The “Name the Buildings” committee formed in
July recommends that all street and building names be discarded and that
streets, buildings and other town property be re-named according to the highest
bidders. Selectmen take the matter under advisement.
November: The town of Kingston is
selected by a major network to be the backdrop for a new weekly television
reality series called “Will the Real Criminal Please Stand Up.” The program,
modeled loosely after the old “What’s My Line” program, will feature one
Kingston official accused of a crime, along with two imposters. The audience
will have to correctly identify the Kingston official by questioning each of the
contestants. The series will launch in May and be canceled twelve weeks after
its start when (finally) the show runs out of Kingston officials.
The finance committee projects a $5 million
budget deficit for 2005, in part because of frivolous lawsuits.
December: In a surprise move, selectmen
vote affirmatively on the “Name the Building” committee’s recommendations and
“wipe the slate clean.” Suddenly, none of Kingston’s streets or buildings have
names any longer. Individuals begin bidding for the privilege of having schools,
town halls, roads, side streets, parks, and even catch basins named after them.
Selectman anticipate that the bidding process will result in revenues of
$25,000,000 or more for the town, but note that some of that revenue will be
offset by the need to create new maps and new phone directories. “We look
forward to telling people the good news when we meet for the next town meeting
at the “whatever” elementary school,” announces the board’s chairman.
And that brings us to the end of the predictions for the New Year, folks. I hope
that 2004 is a happy and healthy one for all of you. Until next time… |
