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Him & Her:
The Grinch Runs the Grocery Gauntlet
by Nancy and Dan Sapir
 HIM:
Some things never change:
they just get worse. I’m talking about grocery shopping. I actually enjoy
shopping, but I prefer to go alone because she would just drive me crazy,
but Thanksgiving taught me that all women are alike when it comes to grocery
store etiquette. I know this will play itself out again at Christmas, but I
need to complain and hear my male brethren commiserate with me.
Have you ever been behind a woman who just parks herself in the aisles and
just stares at the shelves like she’s making some life or death decision?
Then there are the women who park their baskets in the middle of the aisle
and walk away leaving the basket as their base of operations. The basket is
always in front of the sale items. Then there are the women who shop so they
can bump into people they know. They just yammer on about the kids and this
and that while everyone is trying to get past them.
Often there’s a roadblock because some spoiled kid throws a fit about not
being able to get one of those sugary cereals. Mom has to be reasonable. She
has to explain all the principles of sound nutrition to this screaming brat
while everyone else is waiting patiently to get around the scene. You know
everybody is thinking that the kid should get one upside his head, but
nobody would ever say that because you would be arrested by the political
police.
Then we get to the checkout. With women, that means coupons and an argument
that she did purchase an item for which she has a coupon. Then, God forbid,
she has forgotten something and just leaves the register to go get it along
with five other items she can’t be without. I have never yet seen a woman
have her payment paraphernalia ready when the magic moment comes. Oh no, a
woman hears the total and then roots around in her purse trying to find her
checkbook or whatever. But it’s not just women. Seniors’ discount day is no
fun either, and some of those older ladies will tackle you to the floor for
a sale item. At Christmas, I will try and be more tolerant, and I’ll make
that my New Year’s resolution. That will last until I find that new ding on
my car from a stray shopping cart, or I have to hurry up and wait exiting
the store lot because some women use the right lane to go straight across to
Duxbury. Ha, ha, ha... Merry Christmas.
 HER:
You can’t really argue with
him on this one. I’m one of those women, but I have to say that I have my
own battle scars from angry women who deliberately push their carts into
your heels and then just glare at you to let you know you have somehow
offended them in the course of your shopping.
Grocery shopping should be a happy experience because we are fortunate
enough to have food available to us, but it is not, and it’s not always the
shoppers’ fault. For example, you have to check the dates on everything. If
they tell you an item’s last fresh date is today, it means you really should
have bought it a week ago. I won’t buy an item until I’ve checked the date.
My eyesight isn’t what it used to be, so sometimes it takes a little longer
to focus. Also, all the fresh items are in the back, and nothing keeps me
from getting to them. Of course, when buying potatoes, you have to heft a
load of bags to get to the fresh ones at the bottom and sometimes other
vegetables fall and become casualties in my search. It’s survival of the
fittest. We women are just trying to put the best and freshest food on the
table for our families.
This takes great vigilance. Men are dumb, and they just pick up the first
item on the shelf. Grocery chain managers probably get on their knees
everyday and pray for male shoppers to come in. Men think, ‘Hey, it can’t be
bad, they’re selling it.’ Furthermore, men could eat at a communal trough
and be happy as long as they could identify meat and a bit of potato. Did
you ever watch a bunch of grown men at a Superbowl party? They’d eat the
stuffing out of the couch if it had buffalo sauce on it.
Let’s talk about men at the checkout. They try to puff up their chests and
look like they intended to be at the store and not like they got their
orders to be there. They try to look cool, and then they look at you like
your presence is keeping them from better things. They shift on their feet
and make little puffing sounds that translate into ‘Hey, I don’t have all
day for this crap so could you just move it along.’ ‘Sure Buddy’, I’m
thinking, ‘I wouldn’t want to keep you from the Lazy Boy any longer than I
have to.’
Well, it’s not my problem anyway. The last time I shopped was when he had
surgery, and I hope to God that he stays healthy.
by Nancy and Dan Sapir |
