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Him & Her:
The Wonderful Life of Clickers...
by Nancy and Dan Sapir

HE SAYS:

Boy can she aggravate me when it comes to the TV clicker. I work very long hours. When I come home I like to relax on the couch and watch a little television. Is that an unreasonable action? Not only that, I bought the TV, the clicker came with it and who pays the electricity? Me!

She mocks my program choices. If I’m home early enough I like to watch Judge Judy or those other courtroom shows. If I get home for lunch I love to catch shows like Ricki Lake, Maury Povich, Ananda, and Jerry Springer. They certainly take us through the full range of the human condition and make me feel better about myself. At night, my prime choices are Baywatch, The Man Show, MTV’s Dismissed, the Real World or even Jackass. I like these shows because they reflect the tastes of a real macho man and I am not embarrassed of my primal instincts. They are normal so get over it. Weekends must include NFL Football. Pro football is a man’s rite of passage. I have never had the time to play the game myself, so I enjoy watching those who have the time. And how about those Patriots?? This is something she will never understand If you live in this part of the country, you’re a Patriots fan! Another thing is MTV and VH-1. A person must attempt to stay young at heart. If I have to grow old I at least want to know what the kids are turned on to with their music. And you know something… some of these groups are pretty good. Those so called Boy Bands like Backstreet Boys, In Sync, LFO and the like are actually great. And what’s wrong with Brittaney Spears, Jennifer Lopez and Destiny’s Child? Their music works in my humble opinion and it all serves to expand my horizons. She thinks I am having a mid-life crisis, that I am incapable of retrieving my lost youth and I should just cave in and succumb to Lawrence Welk.

When I’m between shows I allow her to watch the Lifetime Channel. I can’t stomach all those sappy stories about women portrayed by TV has-beens with their lives in turmoil. And Geraldo! I thank my lucky stars that he got mad at MSNBC and quit when they wouldn’t send his to Afghanistan. Undeterred, she clicks her way among CNN, MSNBC and CNBC watching the same news reported by a different team of anchors. When there is a commercial, she even runs upstairs ands emails Chris Matthews with her latest theories on government conspiracy and political cover-ups.

It drives me even more nuts when she ties up the TV with a video. It doesn’t matter what time of year it is, she watches It’s a Wonderful Life over and over. For every hour she’s watching one of these loser flicks I’m being deprived of liposuction gone wrong, moms that dress too sexy and paternity tests revealed. Sure, the answer is to buy another TV, but why should I? A man’s home is his castle and I fully expect that one day I will train her to understand that concept. Having another TV would simply avoid the great lesson that must be learned here. But because I love her, I relinquish the control of the clicker realizing that Goerge Bailey was right… it is a wonderful life.

SHE SAYS:

It’s good to hear his heart is young because the rest of his body hasn’t heard the news yet.

Let me ask you something. What do a 60 year old man and Brittany Spears have in common? Nothing. His time would be better spent in prayer since he’s within spitting distance of eternity, and every MTV video is bringing him closer to it.

But Brittany’s the least of it. He watches shows like the one with the batteling metal boxes, and he roots for one of the boxes. He watches very large men vie for some title involving log splitting. And what can we talk about when he’s watching them. "Gee, honey, I’m so glad that your robot box won". He doesn’t even know what Donald Rumsfeld does for work.

Next to cable news, the Lifetime Channel is the greatest. I’m fascinated by the movies where the wives do away with their husbands. The poor things always get caught, but they don’t seem to mind spending the rest of their lives in jail.

I’m tickled by his assertion that he pays for the electricity, since I’ve worked for 36 years. That makes him the Joker not the King of the Castle.

Actually our differences give me phenomenal bargaining power. I often trade Judge Judy for a takeout dinner. And if I dangled Sumo wrestling in front of him, I’ll bet I could get him to go to a Tupperware party in my absence. I say this because Sumo wrestling is where I draw the line in the sand. I’d rather heave my favorite vase through the screen.

It makes him crazy when I watch Hardball with Chris Matthews. Sometimes I agree with Chris and sometimes I don’t. When I don’t, I usually send him an email. He even answered one time but I received no response when I put my Gary Condit conspiracy theory forward. I said I wouldn’t be surprised if Condit, who sits on the Intelligence Committee, was being blackmailed by Al-Quieda. I’m also convinced Al Gore won the Presidency. And Enron, don’t even get me started. Laura Bush’s mother probably got that stock tip from Dick Cheney. I have to watch the early shows because it takes me hours to get over all the bad news.

Maybe he’s right, and a little dose of bizarre reality television is called for once in awhile. Like the lady on Judge Judy who sued her next door neighbor for shaving her teacup poodle right down to the skin just because he barked a little. What am I saying????

by Nancy and Dan Sapir