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May 15th 2008

Him & Her:
It's Love by Another Name
by Nancy and Dan Sapir

HIM:  Women do it all the time and it makes men nervous and self-conscious. It starts from the time you begin dating and it follows you right on through marriage. I think they think it's funny, but it drives guys crazy, and she does it to me all the time.

I'll have an office full and she'll call with some store list or just to check up on me. At the end of the conversation she will always say, "I love you", and of course I'm expected to say the same thing back. Now I'm supposed to be a tough guy. Tough guys don't say, "I love you" when there are other guys within earshot; it's embarrassing. Oh boy, that's when she senses it and says, "What's the matter, you got a bunch of guys there?" I try to slough it off, but women have an uncanny sense for the truth. I says "Yea, me too", hoping the guys won't catch on to what's going on. She zeros in on the moment, "Are you afraid to let the boys know you love your wife?" Still speaking in codes, I say something like "of course not, not at all."

Now she can smell blood, women can be sharks at moments like this. She's now involved in the moment and is not about to let me off the hook. "I will not hang up this phone until you say it. I don't care if it takes all day!" Funny thing is, I know she means it. I cup the receiver and softly say, "I love you." I don't know why I torture myself. This never works. "You don't want anybody to hear you say you love your wife. I bet other men have no problem with this." Right. I'm the only guy in the world who goes through this. By this time everybody around knows what's going on. They all take on that knowing look being grateful, at that moment in time, that it's me going through this rite of passage. "All right Nancy, I LOVE YOU! There, are you satisfied now?"

"You didn't say it like you mean it" is her response. By now I'm shouting those three little words from the rafters hoping I might say it in such a way as to get me off the hook. Finally she says, "Danny, (I hate it when she calls me Danny) I know you do, I just wanted you to prove it by saying it in front of whoever you got sitting there."

I know some guys whose entire decibel level changes when they get a call from their wife or girlfriend. You always know it when they pick up and say a manly, "Hello" and all of a sudden the pitch rises into high C. That's when you know it's the little woman. I have seen some of the biggest men sink to their knees when talking to their significant others (I hate that expression). They want us to talk baby talk to them and to call them by "pet names". That's downright embarrassing. I may have played that game 40 years ago, but that was when I was trying to reel her in and ask her to marry me.

Women don't care about how it makes us uncomfortable. And age doesn't change things. I'm 62 years old and she still puts me through it. I've made a study of it and find that it doesn't matter how old you are or whether you're married or not, the game's the same; break us down so we act like babies around them. We never say the words "good bye", we say 7-2, the alphabet letter G=7 and B=2 for good by. If I say good by instead of 7-2 she'll call me back and say "what's wrong."

I've decided to lead the charge and end the humiliation. I'm not going to take it anymore! The buck stops here, enough is enough! Men of the world unite! Give me liberty or "hi sweetie, of course I love you Puffy, certainly I'll get eggs, bread and milk, happy to do it my little snookums, see you soon, 7-2.”

HER: First I wish to disavow the quote attributed to me by him. I have never asked him to prove anything.

Most women are probably familiar with the voice change that occurs when they call the office. I am utterly expendable if the guys are there or he is onto a hot story. But let me have information he needs, and my phone doesn't stop ringing. "You know what I wanted to ask you.." he says.

Who does he want these guys to think is on the other end of the phone... a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader? A Victoria's Secret model, maybe? Or maybe Bill Gates calling with a big order. But no, it's just the old ball and chain calling to see what he wants for dinner which will be made to his specifications and served well. That's not worth a little "I love you"? And how about when I turn over some of my mad money so he can have lunch with the guys, who by the way, gossip more than any women I know.

Three little words are too much to ask? There should be billboards everywhere saying "I love you" to all the women who put their husbands through grad school. The women who put their husbands through medical school only to have them run off with their nurse deserve television ad time during the Super Bowl.

Women are naturally inclined to give, to sacrifice, and to love without measure. Men eat, belch, and carry heavy things. Nonetheless, women treat them kindly and encourage them when they do something nice every so often. Women tell their friends good things about their husbands and have even been known to exaggerate their husbands' qualities. When I call the office, the guys say, "They just don't leave you alone, do they?"

When I've had enough, I just don't call that day, and then I get a frantic call from him wanting to know how come I haven't called. "I've been busy," I say enigmatically. This worries him because when I'm angry, I buy yarn.

Lots and lots of yarn. And that means I'm going to sit down for long periods of time and knit or crochet, and that means dinner will be takeout, and when my annoyance costs him money, he seems to improve for a while.

Of course, there are ways to say "I love you", and he knows them all. There's the routine and mumbled "I love you." Then there's the fervent "I love you" when he gets the go ahead to spend the evening at the club. There's the "love you" when you're in the midst of a prolonged disagreement, and then there's the true " I love you," when each takes the time to realize how lucky we are.

by Nancy and Dan Sapir