Well, folks, I have outdone myself this month. I decided to try something a little out of the ordinary and see if I could contact Santa Claus directly to get the "inside scoop" on what gifts he might have in mind for our town.

I realized that there are a number of ways to approach a challenge of this sort. I first checked the Internet to see if The Jolly Fat Man has his own website (and perhaps an e-mail address). There is a santaclaus.com, but it contained an advertisement for inflatable Santas, so I concluded immediately that this was not the best way to reach Santa.

I visited a few stores and the "store Santas" to see if one of them might be The Genuine Article. After four or five times of being told, "Get outta here – you’re too old to be sitting on Santa’s lap," I opted for some good, old-fashioned, Yankee ingenuity and checked directory assistance.

To my good fortune, the Ultimate Gift Giver has a listed phone number, but of course I got his voicemail.

So, imagine my surprise when he returned my call. Yes indeed, when my caller ID flashed "Santa Claus, North Pole" I knew I was on to something.

"Thank you very much for returning my call, Santa," I said. "Er, can I call you Santa, or would you prefer Mr. Claus?"

"Call me whatever you want, just be brief, willya?" he said. "Aren’t you a reporter? And don’t they teach you in ‘reporter school’ that brevity is the soul of wit?" He waited, then added, "I suppose you want to know some of the gifts I have in store for your town. So first, has your town been naughty or nice this past year?"

"Some of each, I suppose," I said in what I hoped was an earnest tone. "We could always be better. I mean, our town meetings run too long, we argue about silly things, but I think we’re on the right track."

"All right, whatever," he said. I sensed that he was a bit pressed for time.

"I’m a bit pressed for time tonight," he said, "so let’s just get to it. First, I have a special gift for the residents of Smith’s Lane and the southern end of your town. It’s called a slip ramp. The only thing I can’t tell you is exactly when it will be delivered. There are some issues with our elves’ union and…well, it’s a long story. But it’s on its way and you’ll see it sometime in 2008. Or maybe 2009." He added, "Again, for some strange reason, it only goes south. What the heck is wrong with you people anyway? Is this some sort of escape route for people who get tired of all the crazy things that go on in your town?"

"Something like that," I said. "It’s complicated. But I am sure that lots of people will be glad to see it delivered. And, while we’re on the subject of the southern end of town, is there another gift in that big bag that will reduce traffic?"

"Hey, I’m a gift-giver, not a miracle worker," he said. "If you don’t like the traffic, then move somewhere else."

This guy is a definite contender for a seat on the Kingston Chamber of Commerce, I thought.

He then went on to detail some additional gifts. "One of your selectmen, a fellow named Paul, will receive a very special gift this year – a "yes" vote for a senior citizen center, to be delivered sometime before the end of 2008."

Great news, I thought. This has been a long time in the works. "So, can you tell me where it will be located?"

"Don’t you listen? I’m a gift-giver, not a clairvoyant," he said.

Great, I thought. I finally get to talk to Santa Claus and he turns out to be Don Rickles with a beard and a few extra pounds.

He went on," I am going to give your Town Moderator a special gift – every meeting she holds in 2008 will have a quorum."

"I’m not sure how much of a gift that will be," I said. "Sometimes, as the attendance increases, people get more argumentative and the meetings run longer."

"I’m not Dr. Phil," he said. "It’s not my job to make people pleasant – only to deliver them to Town Meeting."

He said, "Look, my inbox is filling up and I have to run in a few minutes. So let me tell you just a couple more. To the Adams Library, a facelift. To the Community Preservation Committee, three acres of land. To the police department, a year where they don’t have to arrest any town officials. And finally, to the residents of Kingston, a 50% reduction in their property taxes."

"Are you serious about the tax cut?" I asked.